Friday, June 17, 2011

What is needle biopsy of lung (Chest) nodules?

During my once a decade physical, my family physician discovered a small shadow in my chest x-ray.  While he was comforting, further precautionary tests were scheduled.  CT scans were done, and to make a long story short, a biopsy was scheduled. 

A needle biopsy, also called an aspiration, involves removing some cells—either surgically or in a less invasive procedure involving a hollow needle (which I refused to look at) from a suspicious area and examining them under a microscope to determine a diagnosis.

I scheduled an appointment with a recommended radiologist and things were underway.  Did I mention I have a horrific fear of needles???  AHHHHHH!  A short time later, outpatient surgery was scheduled and I began to freak.  Just the thought of having cancer after both parent’s, sister, and discussion with a lady friend who may breast cancer was enough.  I kept telling myself….it’s just precautionary tests, we’ll get through it!! 

I checked in, signed papers and given instructions to read about the procedure.
A nurse handed me a relaxer and I was lead to a room to wait what seemed like forever.  The nurse came in with an IV which went into my hand (the worst) and I was led away and told to lie down face first on a freezing table.  It was then I asked NOT to see the tray of tools they were about to use and a local was injected in my back to numb the path of the biopsy needle.  While I didn’t see it, it had to be at least half a foot long!

I received a local to numb the skin, felt a pin prick from the needle, along with some pressure when the needle was inserted. The area became numb in what seemed a few seconds. I was asked to remain still and not to cough, to hold my breath several times during the procedure. I guess it’s important that you try to maintain the same breath-hold each time to insure proper needle placement! 

A limited CT scan was performed to confirm the location of the nodule and the safest approach. A nick was made in the skin at the site where the biopsy needle was to be inserted. Using imaging guidance, the needle was inserted through the skin to the site and samples of tissue removed. Did I mention they did this a couple times??  While I was given a sedative, I was awake during this! The procedure took what seemed to be an hour, although I honestly wasn’t keeping track.
You may want to have a relative or friend accompany you and drive you home afterward. This is necessary if you have been sedated.  Of course, my ride decided to throw an unexplained fit day’s prior, a day after my Uncle’s funeral (whom had some x-ray concern’s of his own\ STRESSOR)…so she was out!!!  THANKS! (STRESSOR) Therefore, I was stuck in a small recovery room for a few hours for observation.  Then drove myself home, thankful my autopilot worked because my vision was still a little blurry.  THANKS…
I was encouraged not to do any physical activity for at least 24 hours.  The second day, I was still sore, however managed to do some light chores, mostly vegged on the couch and made some phone calls. The area they inserted the needle remained sore for a couple day’s, by day three I was back up to par, but the spot remained sore to the touch for about a week. Dr.’s warned me I could cough up blood, which I did (isn’t that human?). That lasted a couple days (another stressor)!!

After a couple day’s, I was allowed to remove the bandage and take a much needed shower.  While soreness persisted, I hoped the worst was over.  After a couple weeks, my family doctor phoned to say results were benign.  RELIEF!! For now, no further tests required.  We continue x-ray’s every few months just to keep an eye on things.  

Next: mouth biopsy, not so lucky

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A caregivers story

My friendship with J began about a year ago, our rapport grew quickly: we both enjoyed nature and God, sidewalk dining, and social events. Perhaps most importantly, we shared our inner turmoil and  frustrations on an ongoing basis. I now see J more as a sister, than simply a friend.
Better than most, J understood my own struggle for stability and life satisfaction, as well as my search for inner peace. J earned this deep understanding because of her relentless and courageous pursuit of her own healing from  traumatic experience's, which she has described to me over the year.
J has that rare ambition for wholeness, struggling to overcome a. She has embraced this ambition with zeal: at considerable expense; consistently sacrificing immediate, tangible pleasures such as  apparel, furnishings or concerts. Kim's commitment to reclaiming her personhood from violations is unconditional. Her strength and courage to heal amazes me! In the course of our friendship, I have witnessed J overcome fatigue, head-ache's, anxiety and fear.  With the help of supportive physicians, including fearless self-examination leading to recovered childhood memories, I watched as J regained her emotional and bodily strength, and maintained a normal and productive lifestyle.
She would often remind me in the midst of a memory that triggered long-buried thoughts. On each occasion, I tried to be present for her emotionally and spiritually, which is all she really needed.
In our early developing relationship , J first looked to me as her friend; a male friend who didn't want anything from her. This appeared to be essential for her trust in me to grow. As her trust grew, I became  brother, just as she became another one of my sisters (I have one). Another of J's strengths I have come to admire is her determination to address the inner turmoil arising from conflict or disappointment as soon as she becomes aware of them. She strives to identify that part of her nature that feels shunned or not heard or manipulated to please. She acquiesced so that she could survive another day. Now, J not only survives another day, but is fully present to life,  one of love and compassion not only for herself, but for others as well.  Kim entered my life during a lonely and despairing period of time in my lie, when I was chronically unemployed or in an unfullfilling job . She was gentle and accepting of my pain, and we spoke on the phone often, reassuring me that these tough times were temporary, and “things will surely get better!” By reminding me of God being truly “in charge”, J encouraged me to turn my despair over to Him/Her, as often as necessary. She reminded me that I am a wonderful human being, God surely loves me and wants the best for me, which I cannot always recognize.
J's perseverance has been the example for me to follow. Her overcoming of significant obstacles reminds me to reach out to nonjudgmental friends, to turn my fears over to God, to spend some time in Nature daily, to simplify my life and avoid cultural stressors, and to find or read something to laugh about daily. While our friendship has seem to come to a sudden and unfortunate end, I hope to continue being a confidante with whom I can always be myself.
J's path to wholeness and joyful living has required continuous self-examination, honesty, and sensitive confrontation with her friends, qualities she has passed on to me. I was delighted, grateful, and hope to again be J's friend.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

5 Lessons I Learned from Cancer

You have cancer.

After receiving feedback and comments from friends, loved one's and undergoing tests  myself, life is traumatic. Because the cancer  spread so far throughout some of their bodies, one  had to take chemotherapy while she was pregnant. That was the beginning of a long journey of pain, faith, sadness, hope, brokenness, and healing from many of them.

I want to share 5 life lessons that I learned.

1. Life is fragile.
Right after I heard those three words, I knew within a second that which was most important to me in life; my family, my friends, and my faith. Everything else that I thought was so important was stripped away (one person decided not to be friends any longer) in my mind. My world had been rocked and my perspective had changed. I realized how fragile life was when immediate family members heard their diagnosis, and when a friend delivered her daughter after two months of chemotherapy.

2. We aren't meant to be islands.
I am really good at offering my help to people, but I was not good at asking for help. While some go through chemotherapy treatments, so weak they need help with every day living. It's a really humbling experience to accept help with childcare, housekeeping, and everyday errands. For the first time I began to understand what being in community was all about. Community is not just when you can give, but it's trusting people when you need to receive help. We aren't meant to be islands in this world. We need each other.

3. There are worse things than being bald.
I don't want to be melodramatic here, but many thought losing their hair was going to be the worst experience ever. I was wrong. I cut most my hair off to show support, however this was by choice. They did\ do not have that option. Watching it fall out slowly was the worst experience. After watching clumps of hair fall all over the place,  It was the most liberating experience of my life. Many people opt to wear wigs and wraps most of the time, but sometimes, I just let my shiny, bald head be bare and exposed. There was something beautiful about those vulnerable moments of showing my bald head.

4. You learn a lot about your faith when you are put through the fire.
My faith in God changed a lot during my sister's cancer. Not because I was so strong. It was just the opposite. I was so weak. For the first time in my life, I realized that I wasn't in control and I couldn't manipulate the future. I even tried to become the great deal maker with God.Finally I broke down and gave it all to God. For the first time in my life, my prayer life was real. I poured out every emotion in my body; anger, sadness, disappointment, and fear. Then I cried out for answers, peace, healing, hope. God answered in His own ways.I can't explain it, but my faith was strengthened in my brokenness.

5. The fight is still going on. We need to find a cure
I am very much aware that I and other's are here because  people continue to fight for a cure. While I await my tests and forthcoming results, we all know someone who has cancer. Right now I have two very dear friends who are fighting cancer and one former friend who was waiting for tests with no health insurance.

My friend Michelle is watching her son go through his second battle with a rare tissue cancer. Jack  is such a sweet little guy. He should be playing with his friends, not laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. We need to find a cure for Jack.

My other friend Julie was just diagnosed with cancer last week. Julie is a fighter; a glass-half-full kind of girl. She also has the most amazing heart. Just two years ago, she did a Breast Cancer walk to raise funds for cancer research. Now she is experiencing all of this on a personal level. We need to find a cure for Julie.

There are so many others that need our help. Embrace life, friends new and old, repair differences with friends   and loved one's! Open your arms, support them, be thankful, ask to do everyday chores, give them a ride, share is to short and nobody can have enough friends.

Check out organizations and see how you can get involved

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Socialized Health Care

My life is now being effected by the lack of health care in this country.  Friend of mine is being forced to make life altering decisions because the lack of health care.  After suffering from an accident which enacted Multiple Dystrophy, she was forced out of her job thereby losing health benefits. With a preexisting condition, finds it impossible to obtain benefits.  Now on crutches if not worse for remainder of her life, she faces challenges in life no one should be forced to make.  Either option is not a happy one, nor should be necessary.

Socialized medicine is a term used to describe a system for providing medical and hospital care for all at a nominal cost by means of government regulation of health services and subsidies derived from taxes.  The United States, most of Africa, Middle East and Asia are only countries w\ out some form or implementing some form of socialized health care.  Universal health care systems vary according to the extent of government involvement in providing care and/or health insurance. In some countries, such as the UK, Spain, Italy and the Nordic countries, the government has a high degree of involvement in the commissioning or delivery of health care services and access is based on residence rights not on the purchase of insurance. Others have a  system based on obligatory health with contributory insurance rates related to salaries or income, and usually funded by employers and beneficiaries jointly. Sometimes the health funds are derived from a mixture of insurance premiums, salary related mandatory contributions by employees and/or employers to regulated sickness funds, and by government taxes. These insurance systems tend to reimburse private or public medical providers, often at heavily regulated rates, through mutual or publicly owned medical insurers. A few countries such as the Netherlands and Switzerland operate via privately owned but heavily regulated private insurers that are not allowed to make a profit from the mandatory element of insurance but can profit by selling supplemental insurance.

Universal health care in most countries has been achieved by a mixed model of funding. General taxation revenue is the primary source of funding, but in many countries it is supplemented by specific levies (which may be charged to the individual and/or an employer) or with the option of private payments (either direct or via optional insurance) for services beyond that covered by the public system.

The number of persons without health coverage in the United States is one of the primary concerns raised by advocates of health care reform. According to the 2008 census reports there were 46.3 million people in the US (15.4% of the population) who were without health insurance. The percentage of the non-elderly population who are uninsured has been generally increasing since the year 2000. The causes of this rate of uninsurance remain a matter of political debate. Rising insurance costs have contributed to a trend in which fewer employers are offering health insurance, and many employers are managing costs by requiring higher employee contributions. Many of the uninsured are the working poor or are unemployed. Others are healthy and choose to go without it. Some have been rejected by insurance companies and are considered "uninsurable". Some are without health insurance only temporarily. Some choose faith-based alternatives to health insurance.  While Obama's health reform may not be the answer, in the least it's a beginning.  Please, support reform as life can change in an instant. This could be YOU!

My Love

MY Love 
My love, whom I love dearly I must tell you what God has layed upon my heart.  I see you hurting, I see you getting weaker by the day, the hour.  I see your weakness, your battle, your shame, I feel your pain! I know your heart aches and it keeps you awake.  I feel the wetness of your teardrops that fall from your cheeks, when you pour your heart out. My love,  whom I love dearly, I must tell you that I know a man that will take the hurt away, turn night into day, that will turn your weakness into strength.  The strength to overcome many battles, that will remove the shame, pain, and dry your tears before they fall. But before you can do this my love, you must trust, have faith and believe God will never leave you or forsake you. I know it's hard to cross over, but I can truly testify that when you put God first...the pain, shame, tears, fears, get lighter and lighter.  And before you know it, you have peace, joy, and Love.  I love you

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Bad things happen to good people

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes, we see life crumbling before our eye's and it's a living hell.  Figure out the "how"'re hurting and want to help.  Here are 7 steps to help you figure out the "how":

1. First understand, God is not punishing you or your loved one's.  The circumstance is yours to face.

2. The way out is the way through.  The only way to get out is to work your way through the situation.

3. Sometimes you have to go into the darkness.  You must go to dark places in order to find light.  Sometimes      we remain in dark places for awhile, and I can't tell you how long.  It's different for everyone and it takes time to deal with the issues.  but by dealing with the issues, you will find the light.  And it will be there, on the other side.

4. Look for blessings along the way.  These blessings come in all forms, lesson's learned may teach you something.  Or perhaps someone new pops into your life.  NOTICE THEM!!  I have learned many lesson's and met a significant person in my life who I thank God for everyday.  And I thank them for that personally and through God.

5. Allow yourself to receive.  Receiving gifts of food, comfort, gifts.  People will try to help you, LET THEM!!  Learn to be a good receiver and this will help you in the next step.

6. Step Out!  Step out to give!  When you give, it opens yourself up to receive.  You begin to find a little light.  You step into service in some fashion.  Through serving, you discover you ARE worthy.  You discover light.

7. Finally, remember...You are not alone.  Wherever you are, God goes with you.  These moments are teachable moments in time.  We remember God was there all along.  Sometimes we're just caught-up in the moment and forget, trying to be strong and do things ourselves.  Then, we remember God is always there.  Perhaps turn to counselor's, spiritual support, family, friends, caregivers.  But remember, God goes with you wherever you are!!

Bless you, and those supporting you!  And remember, there is a way out.  Just work your way through it and you will see the light!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Ever changing caregivers

As I was walking the dog yesterday, lost in thought, contemplating life's situations, I almost missed a glorious sight. In the Mid-West spring landscape, it was barely visible. I thought at first that I was mistaken. There, in all its splendor, was a Little Blue Heron, standing tall at the edge of the little pond. Don't herons migrate? Don't they try to escape the long, hard winters?

And that's when I realized my mistake. I assumed to know about the blue heron because I know about some other birds. I lumped the blue heron in with all birds and made presumptions about its migratory behavior based on what I thought made the most sense.

When you are a caregiver, it's easy to plow through situations with the idea that because you know this or that, you also know things with which you have no familiarity. It's easy to think it's okay to connect the dots because you have past experience.

The truth is that as a  caregiver, your role is ever-changing, because the needs of your loved one over time will change. Some people get healthy enough to resume their old lives. Some people manage their illnesses in ways that allow them to function fairly normally. Other people deteriorate over time.

If you are caring for someone who has a life-limiting illness, it's important to understand that as things progress, you must progress with them. You must understand the disease in its various stages in order to provide the best care for your loved one. The needs of a cancer patient at Stage 1 are vastly different than the needs of one at Stage 3 or 4. The early stages of Alzheimer's and other dementias present very different behaviors than later ones. Some people with ALS have quality of life for a long period, but can suddenly decline. If you don't expect the changes, they can have a profound effect on your ability to provide care to your loved one.

Life has a way of presenting us with surprises along the road. The more we pay attention to the subtle landscape, the more we discover. I might have missed that little blue heron the other day, but because I love to walk and because I force myself to see something new each time I set foot out the door, I was lucky enough to enjoy it. Putting your mind on automatic pilot and not leaving room to see the details of the care you provide means you are less likely to spot the tiny cracks in the dam before it breaks. Family caregivers who pay attention to their loved ones don't just find problems. They also find the connections that tie us together as families. Those ties that bind us together are also what give us strength and comfort when the going gets rough. They are the winds that fill our sails. If we know how to navigate the family ship properly, the journey is made better.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Attitudes & Decisions

I began wondering after both parents and my sister passed from cancer, what caused 3 immediate family members to get cancer?  All I ever heard from doctors, nurses, oncologists, friends: "We just don't know."  But an unanswered question such as that does not just go away.  It replays in your mind over and over again.  It makes you suspect things which may appear innocent.  It makes you...paranoid sometimes.  Sometimes sickness just happens.  Many report and extremely healthy lifestyle before an illness: daily exercise, diet, etc..Some were Olympic athletes with trainers and coaches monitoring EVERYTHING they put in their bodies, and they still got sick.  This is not to give anyone carte blanch to live an unhealthy lifestyle, just to remind people that you can do everything right and still not be immune to health issues.

About 40% of cancers can be prevented with lifestyle changes according to World Health Organization.  I figured there was so much I could not control in getting it myself.  However I could control "lifestyle changes."  Nothing is safe from my potential wrath: household products, health\beauty products, foods, activities we participate in, as well as attitudes we have.  Unfortunately, my activism had unexpected repercussions in the loss of friendship\ relationships.  Somewhere along the line, this happened with the foods we eat.  It was not an overnight thing, but a slope down which I slipped further as ingredients we recognized as foods for decades were removed one after another...only to be replaced by their Frankenstein approximations.  And perhaps....the resulting food looked, felt, and even tasted identical, but was in reality, a soulless replica.

Lines must be drawn in my household, the first lines were drawn against the usual suspects: excessive sugar, bad fats, preservatives and pesticides.  Yes, the man who was famous for requesting the dessert menu before the dinner menu, who once inhaled buckets of fried chicken and whole large pizza's in one sitting, began monitoring his sugar intake.  Copious amounts of sugar- bearing a half-dozen different monikers- is in everything: bread, wine, crackers, soup, ketchup, sauces, juice, jam, yogurt, and peanut butter.

What's wrong with a little sweetness you say.  Live a little you say.  You are in fact right.  There is nothing wrong with a little sweetness.  The average American however, consumes between 150-170 pounds of refined sugar per year, according to U.S. Dept. of Agriculture.  Up from 4 pounds a year less than a century ago.  And this level of sugar consumption wreaks havoc on our bodies by depressing our immune system, feeding inflammation, cancer growth, and a host of other things.

Teaching people about healthy and unhealthy foods also requires rather extensive instruction in Marketing 101.

Lesson 1: Decoys- Placing pictures of popular cartoon characters on boxes of highly processed foods with scientific-sounding, degenerated ingredients.

Lesson 2: Funny Math- Using 3 different types of sugars as ingredients so the manufacturer doesn't have to list any of them first.

Lesson 3: Diversionary tactics- Placing a healthy sounding ingredient up front in your list to divert attention from suspected ingredients that come later.  Or placing health slogans all over the box.

Which brings me to the most important lesson of all: You can only do the best you can do.

You can teach your family, inform them and hope they will become savvy consumers who eat consciously and healthfully.  You can do all that, and I guarantee there will be many days of unhealthy, chemical and\or sugar-fueled overindulgence.  And when that happens, you shrug your shoulders and move on. Because....there is no such thing as perfection, (unless your a nutritionist, chef and Oprah are working in concert with each other during your annual 21 day cleanse)!

Take one step at a time- and most will be baby steps.  Start with filling your plate with: more fresh veggies; beans, sprouted grains and brown rice pastas; organic fruits and veggies when possible; healthy oils like olive and flaxseed; plenty of spices like turmeric, black pepper, garlic powder and Mediterranean herbs; and sugar mostly in context of whole fruits and veggies (and not juice, but whole).  And read labels!!

Listen, I have no way of knowing whether diet will prevent me from getting cancer. Am I willing, however, to change my eating habits to- if nothing else- live a healthier life and make myself feel better?  You bet!!!  People close their ears to what is healthy most the time because they're unwilling to make changes and take responsibility for their obesity, diabetes, cancer, etc.... People don't want to deprive their family, but instead clog their arteries and depress their immune systems, their brain, and body function and set them up for a lifetime of problems.  We have football players dying on the field from heart failure.  We must stop eating processed and "dead" food and eat foods that are "alive" which feed our bodies. While a healthy diet certainly helps prevent illness and proper nutrition for the ill, it does not cure\prevent cancer.  However our attitudes and decisions we make may certainly help!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Symptoms of cancer

Many signs may not be distinctive to cancer but run through all other diseases.  Below are some general symptoms. 

One cancer sign is unexplained weight loss. Night sweats and fever often accompany the weight loss.  Again, it could be just because of normal causes however generally a sign.  Back pain, pelvic pain, bloating, or indigestion may be early symptoms with some forms such as bone or testicular cancer.  Usually, pain is a symptom of advanced disease.  Skin cancer may produce visible skin signs such as darkening hyper-pigmentation, yellowing, reddening, generally skin color changes.  Change in bladder function, constipation, diarrhea, frequent urination, small amounts of urine, and slow urine flow.  Pain with urination, blood in urine, and any changes could be signs.  However again, these are not conclusive unless tested and proved.

There are many signs and we cannot list them all here, we can however pray that God will intervene before any of the symptoms crystalize to become full blown cancer.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

In recent history, I have had many colleagues, friends, and classmates forced into dealing with this horrible disease.  Some experience good results, others deal with similar experiences such as I. While I may not be famliar with the family member, I cherish my friends and pray for them.  Some I have sat with while hearing results from doctor's, others simply expressing worries about physical symptoms.  While my interest in them may vary on personal levels, my passion about finding a cure and fighting this horrible disease never wavers.  I feel thier greif, pain, and reach out to them.  Sharing the light of God and comforting them, for they are not alone. 

As always, please feel free to share your comments.
This may be most difficult for me to write.  While I am unable to recall each particular event, it sums up my expereience dealing with mom and her struggle with cancer.  While she was the person with the disease, the hardest part was in lifestyle and friendship changes.  Being unable to work a job as my new job was a full time care giver with little experiece of this type.  Not able to be social in any means, very much a disconnect from my friends and much of the family.  I ceased going to social events, church, visiting my child, tobacco, alcohol, I became overwhelmed and out of energy.  Researching moms insurance, legal documents, arranging treatments to doctor's, cancer centers, tests, etc..not being able to sleep without one eye open.  Limited friends and family members from the medical profession stopped in to provide help and encouragement.  Other friends and family would occasionally stop by to visit socially... all took time, energy, and effort to get her beautified and somewhat socially exceptable.  The phone calls started, I began to feel frustrated at the repitition and unavailablity to be social.  Immediate family had jobs, seldom visited as this reminded them of experiences of both dad and sister passing from other forms of cancer.  After several month's, people became concerned about me and how I coped.  I didn't have a choice, others were unwilling to assist.  I was wore out.... lack of sleep, constant care.  I had no time to myself, made decisions to cease communication with some who never called or visited.  When someone would visit, they often needed my time, energy, or materials.  Then they went off to other places to have fun...never a volunteer to offer my time to sleep, run errands, or go to church. 

I have no issues with others who want\ like to have fun.  I had done so with them several times for many years.  Not all friends continue to follow us as we change as they have thier own path's in life. Doesn't mean I still missed them and felt horrible I was unable to partcipate or reciprocate my friendship.  My diet had begun to struggle as time was of the essence.  Began eating comfort foods and more unhealthy habits formed.  I wanted to make healthier choices, just didn't have time to prepare them or act on them.  Visiting the gym was out of the question!  What was enjoyable to me at this point was watching TV or reading a book.  I typically spent much time on the computer dealing with was no longer enjoyable for myself.  While supporters offered wisdom..."your doing a wonderful thing" and "mom is greatful for what your doing", I still felt isolated and very much alone.  Sitting with mom while doctors told her test results, holding her hand while fluid was drawn from her lungs, dealing with pharmacists so "I" was able to pick up med's and ask questions.  Fighting with medical personel so "I" could be informed as she was no longer able to make phone calls, office visits, write mail, etc...CHANGES HAVE GOT TO BE MADE IN OUR MEDICAL SYSTEM!!! 

Around Christmas of 2005, we visited the Cancer Center once again for chemotherapy.  Which meant I sat and watched as several patients sat in chairs as blood transfusions occured.  The odor, witnessing others in better and worse conditions than mom, nurses scattered across the room, financial counselor's wanted $$, etc...Well, on that particular day we payed a visit to the attending doctor who told us all treatments had been made and no progress.  We had run out of options and there was nothing else they could do.  Mom gave up at that very point, told me she wanted to go home and die!!  I'm like "you've got to fight to stay alive"!!!!!  No, she was exhausted, out of options doctors recommended, and in her mind.... ready to quit.  Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Less than 2 month's later, she had passed, buried, and I was suddenly alone.  Nurses, suppliers came to retrieve thier supplies, pastors and coroner came and went. 

Suddenly and instanteously....I was alone.  Had no clue what to do with myself, time, energy.  I was depressed, lonely, and didn't feel good myself.  While I know this entry may be scattered, I'm also aware if I make editions it may never get out.  Thanks for your patience and understanding!